At first blush, the title of this entry sounds ridiculous, but it doesn't have to be. The demon of depression has been hitchhiking on my back for years. My life is a spring, compressed by a rock; and if the rock was removed, perhaps all that potential power could be released. There are days and periods where I feel free of the restraints, but they are fleeting. No, I will never be completely free, but what degree of freedom is possible? How will I know when I have achieved maximum freedom? If I am able to improve to the point that I only have one major relapse a year, should I assume that is the apex of freedom and not hope for more? Too many questions. I do not want to focus on a sense of false hope. I will always want more freedom, but when I search for it and relapse earlier than expected, the relapse compounds and I fall deeper into depression and the thoughts of suicide blossom even larger. I need a balance of reasonable expectations, with a sustainable interim of actionable suicidal thoughts.
My new doctor in Texas has reintroduced two medications into my daily routine. Both of these medications worked well for me about a decade ago, but after a while they lost their efficacy and I had to move on. Hopefully after being off them for years it will bring me a new level of stability. The ECT, for all its own troubles, had a very beneficial effect on my thoughts. If I can get to the point that I only have one major relapse every 6 months, I would be happy. Then I can focus on "forcing," to some degree, for the meltdowns to happen on my schedule and not at any given moment.
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