Maybe Something Positive Today

Why Not?

Tomorrow I set off on a 1,500 mile drive from Texas to California. My son and I will be doing a blitzkrieg drive in 2 days. If he had his license we could have driven through. Oh well. The girls are flying out ahead of us. After a few days of soaking up friends, family, and Cali we will all pack into the car and do our best to blitzkrieg back. I was initially disappointed that I would not get my backpacking trip to fit into our schedule, but we will end up doing a day hike with some of our best friends, so that ought to do it.

Change in schedule, change in sleep cycles, and change in eating habits all very much negatively affect my mood. Normally I would say that I would return and crash... and that is possible, but I will be returning to a schedule of school and hopefully ECT. I'm still in this state of suspension about the ECT, while things get worked out. I got my physical completed last Friday, and that seems to be the last piece required. Now, hopefully, it is just working out timing.

So for now let's hope for the best and one hell of a good trip.

Down Tomorrow's Black Hole

It Really Doesn't Matter

I cannot speak for everyone else, but I can feel a dip coming on... before it actually hits. Call it a dip, a depression, a relapse, and major issue. Whatever. It's all the same thing. Today I feel it. It is a bad time for this. Not that there is EVER a good time for depression to hit. I have some power to direct its path or lessen its blow, but by in large I feel like a spectator watching a boat go over a waterfall. Just helpless.

Over the next few days I will be preparing to depart on a trip to California. This is mostly for us to visit friends (and family of course). We have close to no time. Some will be flying out. I will be doing a blitzkrieg drive out with my song and after a couple of days we will be driving back (all of us). I really looked forward to going out there and doing some hiking, but the plans haven't worked out yet. This broke my will and joy for the trip. Three thousand miles is a lot to drive to get little out of it. But at least I will be getting to go to a wedding with my beautiful wife.

As soon as we return, I will be starting school and likely be starting ECT. That will make for one hell of an entertaining trial. I still need to get into contact with my university's disability office. What an embarrassing conversation. "My brain is so pathetic, that I will be shocking it in hopes of a normal thought process, and this might make me forget my classes." Fuck that.

Critical Nothingness

I feel that I am in a cycle. That should sound repetitive. No joke intended. I have written this before. I feel like everyday is groundhog day, but I learn nothing and gain nothing. 

I have even lost touch with writing. It's hard to tell if I am getting nothing out of it or if I am simply putting nothing into it.

And Nothing Else Matters

How about nothing matters... period. When we are all pushing up daisies and no longer cognizant, then will any of this matter? Nope. Not one... god... damn... bit. I don't even know why I continue the day to day.

Anyone care to add?

Just Another Day

Here I am. I suppose that is good. That's what they say. 

But why?

There has to be a reason that being here is better than not being here? What is it? A good deal of the time I don't want to be here. Let's just say that I am faulty (because that is what I am told anyways... and I do feel this as well). I am here for and by the will of others (more than myself).

I am told that suicide is selfish. With that I can agree. It would be taking something away from people... something that they deeply care about (some people). But isn't it true that they are also taking something away from me by making me exist. This life is painful. Not always, but at times is pure anguish. I have obtained good treatment that has helped at times, but another good portion of time life is truly hell. 

If we are talking about a purely mathematical equation, then obviously they win. The betterment of more is greater than one. But does that actually make it right?

I am NOT suicidal today. I just want to have an honest discussion with someone (or everyone) about what is truly correct. 

Many of my lines of thought have been considered aberrant over the years. Is my thinking logical or aberrant rubbish?

You're Fired, I'm Fired

Times are a Changin'

My psychiatrist and I mutually fired each other today. He is downright set against ECT and I am for it. I understand the consequences of ECT and asked him if he was willing/comfortable with still having me as a client. I also conveyed that I had looked into other doctors (accepting of ECT). He conveyed that he felt we needed to part ways. That is okay with me. I have an initial appointment setup with another psychiatrist in the same group for July. The new doctor is one recommended to me by the ECT treatment center.

I feel that this is a beneficial move. I liked some of the aspects of his treatment plan and thought that other aspects were rather 'batty.' Also, he was very much a pill pusher. I probably could have persuaded him to prescribe me just about anything. Time for a change.

It does bring some disappointment that a medical doctor truly sees an effective treatment, such as ECT, as something horrible, to be avoided at all cost. He basically told me that I was going to melt my brain and forget everything. Hey, I know I am going to lose some memory, but I will work very hard to stay on top of that. (As much as one can.) On the other hand, he is a very old doctor and witnessed bad ECT practices back in the 70s that, from what I know, are no longer accepted or used. It is what it is.

Still waiting on approval from insurance on the ECT.

Just sitting here. Tapping my nails on my desk in anticipation.

Everything and Nothing

I've Got It All

I have everything I ever need and yet I have nothing. How can this be? I would say that it is mostly in my mind. I am in the first world, am upper-middle class, have a loving wife with a great career, have 3 children, have some good pets, and have decent health (minus the mental illness). Why should I ever think I don't have every dang thing that anyone could ask for? Hell if I know. This doesn't make sense.

Veruca Salt

I want it all. Everything. Would it help. Not a god damn bit. I could be ruler of the universe, with a thousand servants and access to it all, but my mind would find a way to make me feel worthless, downtrodden, and alone. Does anyone else out there feel this way? How is it that I can be so blessed and feel so cursed? I've accepted that I have this disease... a disease that make little sense. And yet I cannot seem to grasp how it adapts and works to thwart my joy and happiness. I still struggle accepting that it is something chemically wrong with me and that I am not just sabotaging myself on purpose. 

Never Gonna Happen. Heaps of Lies Upon Lies

I'm never going to find what I am looking for. I'll never achieve what I have set out for, because the basis of bearings for my journey and destination is erroneous. I don't know what else to say on the subject.

How do I find that which is intangible... that which is invisible... that which cannot be sensed? Damn, those are tough questions. 

The Final Rub

The outlook is bad. I just don't see happiness happening in my current life. I see myself sitting at the end of my life, smoking a cigar, and saying, "what a goddamn waste of a life." Currently, I would say that my mental state and status are declining. Still waiting on approval for the ECT, and tomorrow I have a psych appointment with my doctor that writes my prescriptions and is dead set against ECT. I will be talking to him about switching to a more ECT-friendly doctor within his group. 

I am struggling to write. I have so much within me, and yet I can scarcely pen a few lines. Ugh. This block must end. I have to force the flow.

Where To Go From Here (?)

Welcome to the Fold

I am still in a writing funk. When is sit down to compose an entry, I am somewhere between blank and thinking so fast that I cannot keep up with myself. Either way, I am left very frustrated.

Summer has begun for me. The semester finished and now I have a couple of free weeks until a trip out to California and summer school begins. Without a strong daily structure, I feel somewhat lost. I try to keep my schedule busy with household tasks and chores, exercise, etc; but they don't do enough. I am struggling with ever-encroaching depression and self-loathing. My stress/depression eating is a constant struggle and I am growing tired of all of it. I need a break, but I almost get more relief from being constantly busy. To me, this is almost a lose lose situation. Busy as hell = depression. Freedom = depression. What exactly equals relief?

Moving Forward

I found out that my therapist will be moving and that I will have to find a replacement. Initially, I didn't realize how upset this was going to make me. But a few hours after finding out I was very distraught. Megan has provided incredible support and we have developed a strong rapport over the last year. Now I have to find it all again. And that is damn hard.

Burning Desire

ECT is still on my horizon. I have met with the doctor and we went through my history, my current situation, my expectations, and what I would like to do. Right now we are waiting on two things: insurance approval and timing. We could potentially start next week, but the following week I will be out of town for a vacation, which means I should wait until returning from said trip to start treatment. That creates the small problem of waiting and hoping that I can keep my depression and unwanted thoughts at bay until the treatments start creating a positive effect.

I have decided to vlog, video blog, or whatever you prefer to call it about my ECT experience. (I will embed my intro video below.) I don't think I could have done this the first time I underwent ECT. I was not in the right state of mind; however, this time is very different, and I want to let other people see its effects and to also leave a diary for myself, in case I begin losing some of my memories.

I imagine that there will probably some repeats of blog topics if I really do forget some things. Here's to hoping for the best treatment and least side effects. I will be starting with either unilateral or bi-frontal. I am not interested in the bi-lateral/bi-temporal. The doctor stated that he often employed bi-frontal and thought that is was still very effective, which made me pleased. He also uses ketamine in conjunction with other anesthetics to produce better seizures. I laughed to my wife and joked that the term "better seizures" seems to be a bit of an oxymoron, but I know exactly what the doctor means. I cannot say I know a ton about ketamine, but it has been tested as an acute treatment to major depressive episodes. Will the amounts administered be of therapeutic benefit, for the depression directly? Who knows. The doctor did convey that some patients prefer not having the ketamine, because of the feelings and fog they wake up with. 

What Page was I On?

After much vacillation, I have decided to take summer school. This is to keep me busy and as somewhat of an experiment. Can I do treatments and school at the same time? Will I remember what I need to pass tests? The questions go on and on. I am working with my therapist, who works with the university, to contact the appropriate person, so that if the treatments interfere with my memory (to a major extent), we can figure out a way around it having a major negative impact on my transcript. More to come on that subject. 

I Wonder

I really don't talk to many other bloggers, so it really would interest me to know how much time the average person puts into one entry. There are times that I sit down, with singular vision, and rail out an entry, and at other times it takes me days of coming back to a topic to try and force my way through it. That is more like what I have been dealing with lately.

Death Becomes Him

Transitioning Into the Self

I am free. For now. School has ended and now, even though I have a personal list of items to accomplish, I am falling. I knew I needed something to get me through the summer, like a job or school, but I have neither. I dropped the ball on the job opportunity and I rejected school because of its cost. I suppose I have to deal with it.

I have a large list and many things to do. Thank god... or thank whatever. If I didn't have it, then I would truly be lost by now. Just keep busy. Just keep busy. Just keep busy, busy, busy. (Channeling Dori there.) Very soon, this Monday, I have an appointment with a local ECT specialist to determine if ECT is a viable option for my treatment (given my current circumstances), or possibly TMS. 

Am I ready for ECT, if that is the determination? Practically, no. I have to compile documentation from previous providers that have been slow to release documentation that my insurance requires. Realistically, yes. I am willing to undergo the treatment, but have already determined that I need to do regular studying of last years topics (between ECT sessions) to make sure that I don't forget the important features of my education. Losing a years-worth of schooling would be devastating. But I am truly thankful and amazed that I now live in a city that provides such treatment and that I will not have to drive 5 hours for it.

Strive and Derive

I partially do not know where I am. It is difficult to determine where to go when I do not know where I am coming from. I just don't want to deal with the question. To face the question is to be consumed by it. But then again, that is part of the problem. One cannot escape the question forever.

No god Damn Sense

I composed this entry a few weeks back and just sat on it. I think it is time for it to be let out.

Senses Fail

I opened this blog last night and just couldn't write. Part of it was that the sleeping pills were kicking in, but the larger part was the personal anguish I had, burning through my mind. It's difficult to compose when your thoughts bring tears. Last night wasn't a personal episode; rather, it was a reminder of what happens when someone leaves this earth. 

(Took a few day break before continuing.)

Continued

I have opened this entry multiple times and failed to continue it. A family friend died a few days ago, and I am sad, angry, and befuddled at the same time. He was like a brother to my wife, for years when she was a single mother. He helped and babysat, the kids treated him like an uncle, and he was always happy. There was no stranger to Joe, and I don't think I ever saw anything but a smile on his face. His heart was truly devoted to his wife, daughter, and god. This is similar for me to a close friend who lost her mother a few months back. She was just as wonderful of a person and taken in an unfair instant. There are so many horrible people on this planet. Why aren't they taken? Why would two, such wonderful people, be taken from this world? There is no reason in it. 

I have talked to people that convey how god will use this for good, that it is a trial, and that it will make them stronger and better in the end. Fuck you. I'm not angry at god. I'm angry at people. How are there people that are self-diluted enough to believe in something that is so wretchedly evil as that? Grandchildren growing up without their grandma makes them stronger? Fantastic. A daughter and mother struggling to pay for medical bills and living without their loving father and husband. Stupid. 

Tangential Asymptotic Anger

I find so much hypocrisy in those that choose religion. And yes, I am specifically singling out Christians in this rant. I am going to go off on a loooong tangent, but by in large, Christians are against abortion. Ok, fine. There is one solution to that. Adopt. If you truly want that child to live with a parent that doesn't want it, you are sick. So they should adopt an unwanted baby to stand behind their beliefs. But only a small fraction of the Christians I know have done such. They hide behind their beliefs.

Don't get me wrong. There are some fantastic Christians that I know, people that I would truly put the label "godly" on. Great people. But for the most part, Christians are simply bigots that hide behind rigid and antiquated beliefs. 

I can't speak to other religions, because this is what I was brought up with and know. I hope that the Christian religion is alone in being so cruel, but I imagine this is not the case. If god is such a wonderful entity, how could he have such disgusting people representing him. Anyone that owned a business with employees this despicable would fire them in an instant. It was this fact, among others that cast my decision to leave the faith years ago. 

I belong in hell. I can tell you that right now. I don't consider myself a good person and I hate my mind. If I die and wake up in heaven, then there is no justice in the universe. Have I killed millions or wronged many? No. But that doesn't make me good. My mind has polluted my being and all that I deserve is an eternity of hell. But in the end, we're all just going to be pushing up daisies as detritus. Face it.

Karen and Randi, there is no sense in this. There is only the slow numbing of acceptance and the need to move forward. I am truly sorry for this bullshit that life has thrust upon you.

Where Is My Mind?

I Don't Know

Maybe I should just stop at that. This week has been a triangle or stress, relaxation, and depression; and I just don't know which corner I am falling into next. It hasn't been a bad week, but it could have been more productive. There are things I am unhappy about. I am stressed over finals, which start tomorrow for me, but I am thrilled at the prospect of school being done in a few days and getting things finished. I have a fairly large list of things to do this summer, both fun and work and would like to get down to them. I have to keep busy. Busy is good.

But still, after being busy for days this week, the tentacles of depression were weaving their way into my mind. The inevitable outcome of my improper chemistry. Damn thing. 

Summertime

I would really like to take off and do some extended hiking this summer. This raises a few problems. I have yet to meet with my new doctor and see his recommendations for ECT, see if my insurance approves it, and find out what the schedule might be. What I really need is some good time alone....but that historically can turn out baaaaad. So I will need someone to hike with, at least some of the way. 

I guess that is it for now. I cannot seem to keep my mind in an entry these days. After I sit down to write, I get distracted and lose focus. 

Time. And Time. Again.

It's Odd

To be writing. I don't know why. The weekend went fine, I suppose. I went on a wonderful hike that ended with me limping. But as I said before... the most enjoyable way to die. Actually, I am battling plantar fasciitis in my left foot, and it was winning. I did not do well with my eating habits. Now that the family is back and the week is underway, I am busy as hell. I really haven't had much of a chance to be depressed. Being busy is my primary and best medicine, so I hope that it sticks for the next week at least.

Such a weird thing. I was so excited to be alone. And in some sense I was happy. But I did miss them. Then they were coming back, and a flood of emotions washed over me. Some good, some bad. Difficult to explain. But the twinge of depression and stress was definitely involved. And as anyone with kids can attest to, sometimes having them back after being away can be incredibly stressful. It was. Even after such a short time. (Hell, the little boogers are just plain stressful. Period.)

Fractured

I'm not entirely sure why I am writing tonight. My thoughts are unstructured and just busy. Maybe too much coffee and chemistry. Who knows? Let's just see how this week goes.