No god Damn Sense

I composed this entry a few weeks back and just sat on it. I think it is time for it to be let out.

Senses Fail

I opened this blog last night and just couldn't write. Part of it was that the sleeping pills were kicking in, but the larger part was the personal anguish I had, burning through my mind. It's difficult to compose when your thoughts bring tears. Last night wasn't a personal episode; rather, it was a reminder of what happens when someone leaves this earth. 

(Took a few day break before continuing.)

Continued

I have opened this entry multiple times and failed to continue it. A family friend died a few days ago, and I am sad, angry, and befuddled at the same time. He was like a brother to my wife, for years when she was a single mother. He helped and babysat, the kids treated him like an uncle, and he was always happy. There was no stranger to Joe, and I don't think I ever saw anything but a smile on his face. His heart was truly devoted to his wife, daughter, and god. This is similar for me to a close friend who lost her mother a few months back. She was just as wonderful of a person and taken in an unfair instant. There are so many horrible people on this planet. Why aren't they taken? Why would two, such wonderful people, be taken from this world? There is no reason in it. 

I have talked to people that convey how god will use this for good, that it is a trial, and that it will make them stronger and better in the end. Fuck you. I'm not angry at god. I'm angry at people. How are there people that are self-diluted enough to believe in something that is so wretchedly evil as that? Grandchildren growing up without their grandma makes them stronger? Fantastic. A daughter and mother struggling to pay for medical bills and living without their loving father and husband. Stupid. 

Tangential Asymptotic Anger

I find so much hypocrisy in those that choose religion. And yes, I am specifically singling out Christians in this rant. I am going to go off on a loooong tangent, but by in large, Christians are against abortion. Ok, fine. There is one solution to that. Adopt. If you truly want that child to live with a parent that doesn't want it, you are sick. So they should adopt an unwanted baby to stand behind their beliefs. But only a small fraction of the Christians I know have done such. They hide behind their beliefs.

Don't get me wrong. There are some fantastic Christians that I know, people that I would truly put the label "godly" on. Great people. But for the most part, Christians are simply bigots that hide behind rigid and antiquated beliefs. 

I can't speak to other religions, because this is what I was brought up with and know. I hope that the Christian religion is alone in being so cruel, but I imagine this is not the case. If god is such a wonderful entity, how could he have such disgusting people representing him. Anyone that owned a business with employees this despicable would fire them in an instant. It was this fact, among others that cast my decision to leave the faith years ago. 

I belong in hell. I can tell you that right now. I don't consider myself a good person and I hate my mind. If I die and wake up in heaven, then there is no justice in the universe. Have I killed millions or wronged many? No. But that doesn't make me good. My mind has polluted my being and all that I deserve is an eternity of hell. But in the end, we're all just going to be pushing up daisies as detritus. Face it.

Karen and Randi, there is no sense in this. There is only the slow numbing of acceptance and the need to move forward. I am truly sorry for this bullshit that life has thrust upon you.