Chester

A Smile

I've been almost avoiding this, but I think it is important to address, if for nothing but my own peace of mind. I would rank Linkin Park among my top 5 bands. Not number one, but as far as time goes, I have probably listened to their albums more than any other group of artists. 

I spent late, late nights listening to their freshman album when I was right out out high school and early in college. Their messages were often dark and realistic to my mind. They still are. Understanding that other people struggle enough to pen those lyrics touched me. 

Their sophomore album did nothing but increase my love for the group.

Look at Chester and his smile. I have seen so many photos of him smiling and knee deep in adoring fans. No one leaves this for fun. No one leaves their family behind without struggling with the demon of depression. And let's be downright selfish and realize that most people aren't going to leave their riches and stardom behind, unless the weight of their mind pushes them to the end. 

Ignorance is the Only Word

Everyone is welcome to his or her opinion. And, yes, suicide seems like (and in many ways is) a selfish option, but someone condemning another on actions that they cannot understand is IGNORANT. 

In 2014 I tried to kill myself. I would likely have succeeded if I had not been found. I have a wife and three kids. I didn't want to do that to them. As I fell unconscious, I was weeping. The weight of my mind left no room for anything but pain. I didn't want to impart that pain on others, but I couldn't do it anymore. 

You don't know what is going through someone else's mind. I truly believed, and still do, that if I crossed the divide to the afterlife and ended up in anything but hell, then there was no sense to anything. I deserved hell for my acts, but my mind was too much to bear. The thought of eternal pain and damnation seemed less tortuous than my circumstances.

Who Brings the End

Don't bring the judgement. Bring the love. People need it. The human race used to be much more active. Our days used to be occupied just trying to survive. Early death was common. Today we live long in offices and working jobs that butt-up against millions of years of evolution. Diseases that weren't common have become moreso, including mental illness. Unfortunately our society is quicker to condemn than help. 

Listening to Linkin Park now makes me cry. Over time some feelings will fade, but the feeling of truthful pain will not. No one knows what was going through Chester's mind in the end, but I can tell you that it wasn't a belief that his actions would help the world. Suicide is an act of desperation of a sick mind, not a weak one. Chester Bennington will be remembered for so many things and that is good. I will now remember him as a model for the world that depression and demons are real. The world needs to know that depression can bear down on anyone. It is real and treatable, but cannot always be vanquished. 

ECT Treatment #5 & #6

Treatment #5 was less than exciting, so I never devoted a post to it, but #6 was definitely different.

I have also decided to re-brand my future videos as "My 2nd ECT Experience," because, well, it is my 2nd time on the horse and not all of this is new to me.

Perception Speaks Louder Than Truth

Stolen

I stole this title from a professor of mine. She was alluding, specifically, to politics and public policy, but it really does ring true with those suffering from mental illness. There are things that I think about myself that I know are not true, and yet they steal my attention and occupy my thoughts. What I believe, and more importantly feel, often wins the day. This is one of the reasons that, despite my physical interventions of medications and ECT, I still go to therapy. Sometimes I fall back on poor thoughts and emotions that have become habit from my disease. 

For example, I struggle with suicidal thoughts. I have for years. They can become pervasive and overbearing, with little way to escape them. And I truly believe that sometimes when I just get stressed or feel trapped I go to what is familiar... suicidal ideations. So I really have to learn to differentiate, which I am getting better at (at times). To the fake kind I have to throw a bucket of water on it and tell it that it isn't real, it is just familiarity that is driving me to this despicable place.

For the truly unwelcome thoughts, I have to draw on my safety resources and "ride the wave," as it were, until the thoughts pass. That can be hard, because it can range from hours to days or more. And often the true troubles will intertwine with the false thoughts of familiarity.

Precept of the Mind

Laws. Laws of the mind is what I need. But it is difficult. The wayward mind doesn't always land on logic and reason. If that were the case, then we could all just think our way out of mental illness. It's learning and making the habit to reach out for the resources needed for help, when the struggles and crisis arrive.

ECT Treatment #4

I should really rename my videos to "My 2nd ECT Experience", because this round of treatments really has been different than that barrage I experienced the first time I went through ECT. I am currently doing well and really hope that the improvement stays and continues to grow.

Some Sort of Test

Is there anybody out there?

I am unsure if this will work, but for those that read my blog to any degree, can you please leave a comment to this post and maybe a little information about yourself. No remarks are actually posted without my approval, and if you make a comment that you would rather not have posted, just write something to that effect. I don't care about identifiable details (name, location, etc). I am more merely interested in whether my traffic analytics are truthful or not.

Who is out there? Why are you interested in this blog? This emotive experience is a 50/50 goal for me. Half of it is the mere, cathartic experience of putting my feelings "to paper", as it were. The other half hopes that there are others out there that I can connect with and find a mutual relation and benefit. I don't wish to feed off of anyone. I wish for symbiosis.

I don't have a ton of hits, but they amount to a couple hundred a month, with my analytics saying that nearly 50% of hits are returning users. I just wonder if the same web bots and spiders are crawling my page and giving me a false sense that anyone reads this.

Part of this is insecurity and loneliness. I have indeed made a couple of friends through this process, and I am happy with that, but more connections help the lonely.


More applicable references to this wonderfully symbolic masterpiece.