Fail a Little, Fail a Lot

The last few days I have sat down to write, with various ideas. and have come up short. I lack the desire and impetus to write my thoughts out. I made a poor decision on Friday that really messed up my head. It is incredibly simple and stupid, but for my oddly wired brain, it was a serious infarction.

I had a paper due on Friday that I was having significant difficulties with and knew I was not going to get done on time, and there was not allowance for late work. Friday morning I made the decision to let it go and try to focus on other work. The next couple of days were ridiculous. My decision had made more of an internal impact than I had realized. I was riddled with guilt and my skin began to crawl every time I sat down to do school work. I have not felt an anxiety attack creeping on like that in years. It scares me.

For years I have made a habit to make crappy decisions and quit things, rather than try and fail. This is a horrible, perpetuating habit that I am now battling. Right now I am struggling with a battle between my goals, academic struggles, depression, anxiety, and old shitty habits.

I have not dealt with parallel depression and anxiety for decades and I can tell you right now that I hate it. At least when I want to die, I can try to find the motivation to get up and work. But the anxiety adds a whole new dimension that includes extra physical pain.

Too.... damn.... exciting.

Figure It Out

The heading for this entry is meant to reference the fact that I have figured out all of my troubles, finally... I am an idiot. Often times I think I know what is best for me. It seems to be about a 50/50 tossup as to whether I am correct. This week I was not. I have still been struggling with exhaustion and depressive thoughts, so I thought I would cold-turkey my Ability to see if it may be adding to my issues (the exhaustion part, I figured if I was still depressed that cessation couldn't hurt it). Bad idea. Abilify is an atypical antipsychotic. I decided to not take my Sunday dose, and I felt the first effects on Monday. I have not experienced many semi-serious psychotic episodes in my life, but Monday morning was amongst the worst. Part of the experience included paranoia, which I have experienced even less often than psychosis. Being behind the wall of an abnormal episode is very odd. I very much knew what I was thinking was probably wrong, but the thoughts also seemed very probably and likely.

I remember believing that I was probably the pawn of a giant game or show and that everything around me was fake. I was fully convinced that if I could grab a sledgehammer I would be able to break through the road and find that my world was floating on air, like I was on a giant inflatable balloon that supported the show set. That is insane, and I knew it, but that did not change the fact that I wanted to prove that it was correct. The fact that I have gone through the cycle of depression for so many years, flamed the belief that I am not meant to die because the show must go on, and that I am the center of a sick, sick program. As my wife pointed out, I thought I was in a combination of the Matrix and Truman Show. Very accurate.

So, that was fairly horrible, but I did not make the connection. Yesterday I woke up with a horrible, splitting headache. I hit it with various otc meds, but nothing touched it, including caffeine. Today I woke up with the same headache... and that is when the lightbulb went off. After a few minutes of research, it was obvious that abrupt cessation of Abilify could bring on major headaches, and other issues. I decided to stop being stupid this morning and take my Abilify. Four hours later, and my headache has already begun to improve.

Figure it out....idiot.

Every Day is Exactly the Lame

I can't even tell you how many times I get up, and throughout my day, think "this day is just so different, it's not my normal, and I do not know how to describe it." Ironically, I think every-day-being-different is my normal. Today I am not suffering from the severe mental erosion I was yesterday morning. I think this is mostly due to the fact that I woke up with a major headache and have had trouble staying awake. Pain and distraction can definitely serve a purpose.

Back to the distraction vein. I was writing the first paragraph about two hours ago and completely forgot. It is just very difficult to concentrate today with this headache. But, hey, I am definitely appreciative of the fact that I am not battling depression and dark thoughts today. All smiles.... and headaches.

Enjoy the Silence

I am not very good at working without background noise or sounds. Sometimes it is music or documentaries; sometimes shows I have watched a million times or new to me shows. Mostly, this provides 'white noise' that helps me focus. It is double edged because just as much as it can block out the distractions, it can distract. Over time I have come to a better understanding of what I can watch and when. The problem is that even at home, or in the library, there always seem to be distractions.

The real question that I cannot find an answer to is when exactly it became impossible for me to endure silence. Realistically it was probably when I was young. I used music to fall asleep and often used music while doing homework. It is just part of me. Except now I usually listen to shows or talking programs instead of music. Perhaps I should try going back to music and see if that is less distracting.

Is it bad that I cannot 'enjoy the silence,' as it were? At times I can do tasks in the silence, and at other times it is simply maddening. It's almost as if the quiet allows my brain too much opportunity to reflect and think about, well, anything. And as we all know, thinking is one of my top enemies. It is the thinking that permits the floodgates of depression to take hold.

Cyclic Dumbass

I feel that so many times I try the same thing, with the same result. Today has been a crappy day. I don't really feel like writing, or know what I would even convey. Some days are like this, and that's just how it is. I'm going to sign off, before something erodes my last ounce of patience and I put my fist through my laptop.