Maybe Something Positive Today

Why Not?

Tomorrow I set off on a 1,500 mile drive from Texas to California. My son and I will be doing a blitzkrieg drive in 2 days. If he had his license we could have driven through. Oh well. The girls are flying out ahead of us. After a few days of soaking up friends, family, and Cali we will all pack into the car and do our best to blitzkrieg back. I was initially disappointed that I would not get my backpacking trip to fit into our schedule, but we will end up doing a day hike with some of our best friends, so that ought to do it.

Change in schedule, change in sleep cycles, and change in eating habits all very much negatively affect my mood. Normally I would say that I would return and crash... and that is possible, but I will be returning to a schedule of school and hopefully ECT. I'm still in this state of suspension about the ECT, while things get worked out. I got my physical completed last Friday, and that seems to be the last piece required. Now, hopefully, it is just working out timing.

So for now let's hope for the best and one hell of a good trip.

Down Tomorrow's Black Hole

It Really Doesn't Matter

I cannot speak for everyone else, but I can feel a dip coming on... before it actually hits. Call it a dip, a depression, a relapse, and major issue. Whatever. It's all the same thing. Today I feel it. It is a bad time for this. Not that there is EVER a good time for depression to hit. I have some power to direct its path or lessen its blow, but by in large I feel like a spectator watching a boat go over a waterfall. Just helpless.

Over the next few days I will be preparing to depart on a trip to California. This is mostly for us to visit friends (and family of course). We have close to no time. Some will be flying out. I will be doing a blitzkrieg drive out with my song and after a couple of days we will be driving back (all of us). I really looked forward to going out there and doing some hiking, but the plans haven't worked out yet. This broke my will and joy for the trip. Three thousand miles is a lot to drive to get little out of it. But at least I will be getting to go to a wedding with my beautiful wife.

As soon as we return, I will be starting school and likely be starting ECT. That will make for one hell of an entertaining trial. I still need to get into contact with my university's disability office. What an embarrassing conversation. "My brain is so pathetic, that I will be shocking it in hopes of a normal thought process, and this might make me forget my classes." Fuck that.

Critical Nothingness

I feel that I am in a cycle. That should sound repetitive. No joke intended. I have written this before. I feel like everyday is groundhog day, but I learn nothing and gain nothing. 

I have even lost touch with writing. It's hard to tell if I am getting nothing out of it or if I am simply putting nothing into it.

And Nothing Else Matters

How about nothing matters... period. When we are all pushing up daisies and no longer cognizant, then will any of this matter? Nope. Not one... god... damn... bit. I don't even know why I continue the day to day.

Anyone care to add?

Just Another Day

Here I am. I suppose that is good. That's what they say. 

But why?

There has to be a reason that being here is better than not being here? What is it? A good deal of the time I don't want to be here. Let's just say that I am faulty (because that is what I am told anyways... and I do feel this as well). I am here for and by the will of others (more than myself).

I am told that suicide is selfish. With that I can agree. It would be taking something away from people... something that they deeply care about (some people). But isn't it true that they are also taking something away from me by making me exist. This life is painful. Not always, but at times is pure anguish. I have obtained good treatment that has helped at times, but another good portion of time life is truly hell. 

If we are talking about a purely mathematical equation, then obviously they win. The betterment of more is greater than one. But does that actually make it right?

I am NOT suicidal today. I just want to have an honest discussion with someone (or everyone) about what is truly correct. 

Many of my lines of thought have been considered aberrant over the years. Is my thinking logical or aberrant rubbish?

You're Fired, I'm Fired

Times are a Changin'

My psychiatrist and I mutually fired each other today. He is downright set against ECT and I am for it. I understand the consequences of ECT and asked him if he was willing/comfortable with still having me as a client. I also conveyed that I had looked into other doctors (accepting of ECT). He conveyed that he felt we needed to part ways. That is okay with me. I have an initial appointment setup with another psychiatrist in the same group for July. The new doctor is one recommended to me by the ECT treatment center.

I feel that this is a beneficial move. I liked some of the aspects of his treatment plan and thought that other aspects were rather 'batty.' Also, he was very much a pill pusher. I probably could have persuaded him to prescribe me just about anything. Time for a change.

It does bring some disappointment that a medical doctor truly sees an effective treatment, such as ECT, as something horrible, to be avoided at all cost. He basically told me that I was going to melt my brain and forget everything. Hey, I know I am going to lose some memory, but I will work very hard to stay on top of that. (As much as one can.) On the other hand, he is a very old doctor and witnessed bad ECT practices back in the 70s that, from what I know, are no longer accepted or used. It is what it is.

Still waiting on approval from insurance on the ECT.

Just sitting here. Tapping my nails on my desk in anticipation.

Everything and Nothing

I've Got It All

I have everything I ever need and yet I have nothing. How can this be? I would say that it is mostly in my mind. I am in the first world, am upper-middle class, have a loving wife with a great career, have 3 children, have some good pets, and have decent health (minus the mental illness). Why should I ever think I don't have every dang thing that anyone could ask for? Hell if I know. This doesn't make sense.

Veruca Salt

I want it all. Everything. Would it help. Not a god damn bit. I could be ruler of the universe, with a thousand servants and access to it all, but my mind would find a way to make me feel worthless, downtrodden, and alone. Does anyone else out there feel this way? How is it that I can be so blessed and feel so cursed? I've accepted that I have this disease... a disease that make little sense. And yet I cannot seem to grasp how it adapts and works to thwart my joy and happiness. I still struggle accepting that it is something chemically wrong with me and that I am not just sabotaging myself on purpose. 

Never Gonna Happen. Heaps of Lies Upon Lies

I'm never going to find what I am looking for. I'll never achieve what I have set out for, because the basis of bearings for my journey and destination is erroneous. I don't know what else to say on the subject.

How do I find that which is intangible... that which is invisible... that which cannot be sensed? Damn, those are tough questions. 

The Final Rub

The outlook is bad. I just don't see happiness happening in my current life. I see myself sitting at the end of my life, smoking a cigar, and saying, "what a goddamn waste of a life." Currently, I would say that my mental state and status are declining. Still waiting on approval for the ECT, and tomorrow I have a psych appointment with my doctor that writes my prescriptions and is dead set against ECT. I will be talking to him about switching to a more ECT-friendly doctor within his group. 

I am struggling to write. I have so much within me, and yet I can scarcely pen a few lines. Ugh. This block must end. I have to force the flow.