Has the Bell Tolled

I am still far from impervious to the mood and emotional swings of the days, and yesterday was no exception. I was talking to my wife about how many things there are to do on a daily basis that we just cannot keep up on. It is difficult for me to accept that she endures stress that I am unable to listen too, because it can send me into a spiral. Just listening for a few minutes yesterday, and understanding my impotency to help made my feelings turn darker. Fortunately, as time went on, I distracted myself with schoolwork and things improved.

This, coupled with my thoughts earlier this week, concern me that the time has come for that looming darkness to dig its nails back in for a while. I'm not giving up, by any means, but I want to be prepared for the worst. Of course the last few months have been horrible, mentally, but it has to improve at some point. Right? I suppose it could get worse, but let's ignore that possibility, because it isn't a viable option. A major improvement is the lack of suicidal ideations. Let's pray those stay at bay.

I feel like I need a coping mechanism beyond schoolwork and generally keeping busy. I think that a good hobby might help. At home I have several possibilities, but when I finally get some free time (hahaha), I usually just want to lay down and watch a movie.

To Whom the Joy Shows

The other day in therapy, I voiced my reserved excitement towards my wife noticing that I was doing well and waiting for her to comment on it. I had a great week and felt that I was not just doing better, but also acting like it. Then the truth came out. My wife and I have somewhat opposite schedules. She works stretches and I am at school a great deal of the time. When we are together I am often venting about stress or show major signs of exhaustion. At first I was shocked when she voiced her concern about me not doing well, or possibly doing worse. I told her I was doing really well, but that I was simply exhausted from my schedule and days of poor sleep. 

I sat there and thought for a minute and realized she doesn't often get to see the good parts of my day. This is something that I think I actually have enough power to show her now. I am still doing well, and I want her to know that is how I feel. Life is difficult but it is not horrible. From here on out I am going to try and shower her that I am enjoying where we are and what we are doing. The stress is still there, but I don't want her to think that everything is so horrible that I wish things were different.

I feel like the last couple of weeks have been a strong transition from where I started writing. I still have dark feelings, but I am uncomfortable addressing some of them at this point. When will I be ready to address some of my underlying questions about suicide and depression? Maybe never, despite how much better I feel. There have been times I tried to understand or address them, only for the thoughts to drag me down the rabbit hole. Perhaps some things are better left undiscovered.

Tempus Fugit

Time, for me, seems to drag slowly or fly at 100 miles a second. The last week has been so busy that it has just flown by.  Sunday was the first time in almost a week, one amazing week, that I have felt the dull pang of depression knocking on my mind's door. However, contrary to the usual decline into the rabbit hole, I made it through with relatively little problem. I believe it is largely because of two things. Primarily, it is that my medications are doing a wonderful job. Thank goodness! Secondly, I derive massive amounts of self worth and joy out of being productive and good at what I am striving for. Work ethic is a large part of my self-identity. I loathe people without a strong, positive work ethic, so when I feel that is where I am at, I hate myself. This last week has been a positive self-feeding cycle of an improved state of mind leading to working longer, harder, and better.

I can't say for one second that I have not been stressed, but these things have kept me going. The preceding months have worn down my belief that things can get better and more importantly STAY better. But right now I have hope. That in and of itself is a huge change from my norm. After a long regimen of ECT from 2014-2015, I was able to get up everyday and live for living's sake. It made very little sense to me. I have often wondered why people live their lives. What makes people want to do? So many people will get up and live, even if they hate it. This makes no sense to me, but even I used to have the will to get up and live and work and find joy.

Only time will tell where this takes me, but I would enjoy getting back to the time where I could live life, without questioning whether I should.

What the Hell is Going on Here?

I cannot fully explain what has happened the past few days, but they have been good. It has become such an oddity to have a good day, and 3 is unheard of. I decided to give one of my recent meds a second go and within a day everything had opened up. Why? Who the hell knows? This may sound cheesy, but it was just short of amazing. It is difficult to believe this will last, but I am in such high spirits that I am actually optimistic about it continuing. Perhaps the best part of this is that I am able to concentrate and distract my mind from thinking and ruminating about things that do it harm.

In a couple of hours I will meet with my psychiatrist and for now I think I will ask to make no changes. I would like to give it a few weeks and see where this takes me. Prior to this, it was an unending battle to try and figure out if I was going to make it through the week or if I should plan on being hospitalized. The past few days I haven't even talked to my wife about this, for fear that saying it out loud will jinx and change it detrimentally.

This semester has been so extremely stressful, and I was worried I could not hack it. Now I feel like I can concentrate and grab ahold of where I am going. This is going to work. It has to.

Roller Coaster FTW

This last week has been a horrible ride of ups and downs. It has been exhausting (current theme of my life) and I really did not expect it to end. For the moment, it seems to have subsided. I cannot tell you if I caught up on sleep, got past some mental block, or my mental chemistry is on the upswing, but I am enjoying it.

It isn't often that I get up and feel that it is going to be a good day. I don't enjoy Tuesday and Wednesday, because the are long days on campus. Tuesday is usually about 14 hours from when I leave home and return; while Wednesday is 15.5. They are exhausting. It seems that labs always wear my brain out, but I chose for both of them to be at the end of the day when I am tired. Bummer. Lesson learned. Tomorrow is my registration day and I will be rectifying that in the next semester.

Surprisingly, I have little negativity to spew onto this entry. Perhaps that will change by this evening, but right now I am standing good.