Movement for the Mind

The Ups and Downs

If I haven't made it clear before, I am overweight. And that is really just a euphemism for obese... to an unhealthy degree. (Not that there is a healthy version of obese.) But I have been changing my diet and sticking to it, as well as hitting the gym. Over time I have learned to enjoy going to the gym more and more. It used to be "ugh, I should go to the gym, but I don't want to." To which my wife would reply, "you should go, because you always feel better afterwards." And it was true. For someone that has difficulty feeling a positive sense of accomplishment, watching the number of calories burned going up really helps my psyche. Of course I realize that it is good for my body, helps create endorphins and other brain chemicals, blah blah blah. Reason doesn't always motivate someone with depression. Depression, and all of it's tendrils, can keep the most reasonable of people from doing things that make nothing but sense, which is one of the big downsides of depression.

Motivation

I got this diet routine from a doctor in 2014, and it helped me lose over 40 pounds. Then I stopped, and slowly gained back about 30 of it over the next couple of years.  I've been frustrated trying to stick to a routine. Motivation and inertia is what I required. Then one day I decided to do and exercise video, P90x (which isn't the most simple routine), and I could only do about 1/4 of it. It was humiliating. My kids were watching. Between being physically too big and lacking muscle mass to do certain movements, as well as being out of air and requiring loud 'whoofs' to breathe, it was a kick my self esteem. I wanted to cry. But that is what it took. After that I decided something had to be done, for so many reasons. My obesity really does affect my depression, immensely. 

Surprisingly, this gave me motivation instead of sending down a spiral of depression. And one of the ways I deal with the spiral is with food. I decided to go with the 2014 diet and hit the gym as much as I can. It's working, which helps add to the motivation. I am currently down 20 pounds, but have far to go. Knock on wood. 

Trouble with the Treadmill

The treadmill is my bread and butter, poor analogy because it's food, but none-the-less it's what I prefer to do. Hiking is my true love, and the treadmill is the closest I can get to hiking, because it has incline. It can also be exhausting. Being as heavy as I am, at max elevation, and a brisk walking pace puts me at 900-1200 calories per hour, which I love. Like I said, those numbers bolster my ego and help my depression. However, I am a late exerciser. Most of the time, I choose to burn some steam in the afternoon or evening. My wife prefers the morning, and sometimes it is just more convenient for me too. 

What's the big deal? It turns out that if I work out later it really helps my mood, but it seems that after I work out in the morning I have a drop in mood and depression creeps in for a few hours after it. Why? My current explanation is that I just don't eat enough breakfast and burning that many calories stresses my body. But why wouldn't I still get some sort of psychological euphoria for the accomplishment? Hmmmmm. The brain does use a majorly disproportionate amount of energy for it's size. Maybe it just doesn't have the energy to make those 'feel-good' chemicals. I wonder if that is correct. But perhaps later in the day it has more energy and already has some 'feel-goods' from the day. 

A Plan?

I really do not want to be limited by the time of the day. Perhaps I will have a piece of fruit beforehand and see what happens. If that doesn't help, then maybe after. Or maybe it is just a state of mind. I prefer the evening, so I just set myself up for failure, so to speak. I am not much of a morning person, but I prefer to get up very early. That sounds a bit odd, but in my mind, successful people get up and attack the day. The early bird catches the worm, after all. 

I just don't want to sabotage myself and de-motive my desires by believing that exercise will trigger my depression.

Anybody out there have similar issues?

Who Took My Damn Cheddar

Yup, It's Real

It has been well over a decade since I read "Who Moved My Cheese," but the basic tenet remains in my noggin. Here it is: There are two mice that get cheese from location A. One day there is not cheese. They next day there is, again, no cheese. On day three the first mouse sees there is still no cheese, but the other mouse has moved on and found a new cheese at location B. The first mouse keeps going to the old place and never learns. He dies a horrible death. The second mouse becomes president. Ok, I embellished a bit, but the point is that adaptation is incredibly important.

That Sucks

Why? Because I am fairly horrible at conversion to changing situations. I constantly try to hang on or make something new fit an old mold. I view myself as an old, crotchety bastard that has failed at the past and must, therefore, fail at the future. But I suppose that's only partly true. I have been trying over the years to adapt. It is so incredibly important now that I am back in school and filling the role of full-time student...at university. Talk about a learning curve. University is much more difficult than community college and is kicking my ass, hard.

A family, school, and soon a job. Who took my cheese? I did. I took that sucker, threw it out the window, and said "fuck cheese." Let's try to undo that.

What Matters and What Do I Need?

• A willingness to change - It's all in my self desire.
• Neural Plasticity - This is a little more difficult because of my age, but is still possible. The human brain is amazing. Plus, despite the side effects of ECT, I believe there must be some added benefit here. More about my ECT in a later entry.
• Willpower - I can do this dammit!
• Find role models - This is difficult for me. I see myself as inferior to most people, so even those that are probably not worthy of being a role model may gain my admiration. I need to be more selective.
• Change...often, if needed - Dang this is hard. I will try.
• Realize when I have found new cheese - I cannot search endlessly. I wrote a bit about this in "Daily Musings of 3/29"
• Be proud - I am never proud in myself. Well, almost never. And by never, I mean that I beat myself up consistently over ever minute failure.

There It Is. Do Or Do Not. Trying Is For Those Who Desire.

Habeas Cardia et Cerebellum (Daily Musings)

Be The Mundane

(this is boring, skippable stuff)

I think I have come to enjoy this blase cathartic release that I get from penning my thoughts and opinions. I still do not know to what extent anyone actually reads this, but whatever.

Read more of this daily musing...

Today was another semi-good day. But it is only about 2/3 over. My day started early with family and school. Maybe 5 hours of sleep, so I was dragging. My morning caffeine barely propped me up in lecture. When I had a chance, I snuck off to my car for a siesta, which mainly entailed of me listening to Disturbed's new album while laying back and shutting my eyes. It really did help. I will say this, everyone's relaxing music is different. Back in high school I would go to sleep listening to Metallica, but that isn't for everyone. I have to remember this, because my son does something similar at times.

After my 'nap', I studied and did some schoolwork. Then I had the dreaded practical. This is my last practical for this semester of bioscience and, as far as I am concerned, I kicked that test's ass. Walking away from that test I was on a high. I know I did well. Studying had paid off.

The Bottom Drops

Shortly thereafter my depression began to creep up. "Hello," it says. "You're going to fail. You can't possibly do what you need to. Driving is difficult. Breathing is difficult. Just being is difficult." Do I even need to write again how much I don't understand those feelings? Now, I don't hear voices. I've only ever heard voices once, and that was about 20 years ago. But the pervasive feelings have their own essence, and either I can interpret them or they push my mind in a certain direction.

It's hard to combat those strong emotions. It would be unfair to give me credit for directly squelching them. First of all, they are still there/here, but keeping busy has kept them at bay. Right now I sit at the park with my youngest daughter. It's pleasant. However, later will suck, and I will likely require an IV of coffee. I have some difficult schoolwork to accomplish and roughly 30 pages of condensed notes to study for tomorrow's exam. I just have to make it through the next 24 hours and some relief will come. Or will it? My mind is always on the brink of a precarious scale.

Obviously stress brings on the feelings and hopelessness. Some of this is learned and some of this is chemical. Trying to be kind to myself has greatly helped the last few months. I am not a superman, no matter how hard I try. It is only fair that I live up to my potential, not someone else's.

The Takeaway

Isn't that true for all of us? We are brought up in a culture that reveres winners and ignores the 'average'. Anyone that knows about the bell curve understands that there are a few geniuses but MANY capables. It's understanding and accepting that we can be average and yet special. Special is a funny word. It means many things. But what I mean mostly is in an interpersonal sense. If I am happy and rich and others despise the way I treat everyone, then I'm not special. Vice versa, if I am happy and poor but everyone loves me because of the way I treat them, then I am special. That is the definition I am going off of.

It does go against my selfish and almost solipsistic view of life, but I think it is probably true.

Thoughts? Anyone?

Ahora y Hoy

What Sorcery Is This?

Today is a good day, and I cannot really pin down why. I am actually extremely stressed. I have a mountain of schoolwork over my head, a daughter that is at home with strep throat, and I am fairly tired. However, times are ok. This is truly awesome.

I'm not complaining one bit, but it just goes to show me (once again) how powerful the chemistry between your ears is. Part of this may be the general anti-anxiety medication my doctor put me on not so long ago. I am not going to say it directly effects the depression, that is not where I am going with this. But my level of stress and anxiety related to school have a direct correlation. When I am stressed/anxious enough, I shut down. I am almost paralyzed with anxiety that I will not get my tasks done and fail. Makes no sense, right? If one doesn't do it, then obviously it won't get done. Self-fulfilling prophecy. The failure or sense thereof does directly kick my depression into high gear.

So the treatment of my anxiety allows for me to be more productive and less frightened of actually doing my work. Sometimes. There always seems to be that crappy, outlying event, but not right now.

Superstition Ain't The Way

I'm not much of a superstitious person, except for one thing. If you say something positive out loud to another person... you have just screwed yourself. This came from my land surveying days. It seemed that every single time my boss would say, "this is going to be and easy job/day," the day would end up being long and hell. This dinner is going to turn out great. Your screwed. I'm doing really well in school. Screwed. Today's work is going to be easy. I'll sock you in the face. Actually, I usually say knock on wood. I don't care if it's fake wood. Hit that sucker!

This is all just to say that I hope by writing and putting this out there that my day doesn't make a turn for the worst and turn into hell. Only time shall tell..

Fulminate Confusion

The Fulcrum

I'm tired. There is just too much to do in the day. I came home early from school today so that Lex could get some sleep. She had been up since 2 with my sick daughter, and she works the graveyard shift tonight. It wasn't horrible. I got schoolwork done. But it seems that for every thing I do, 2 or 3 things take its place. The stress of school most definitely plays into my state of mind. God I wish I had done this when I was younger and had more energy (and of course less responsibilities).

I don't function well at night. It doesn't matter how much coffee I pump into myself. It's probably about time to call it. Overall, I must say that today has been better than the last couple. Hope. Hope is what I've got.

Is There Anybody Out There?

This is a true question of mine. Does anyone read this? My hit tracker shows numbers from places around the world, but I have never gotten so much as a message or comment. I wonder if all the traffic is merely search engine robots and spiders. If anybody is actually out there and reading this, I would ask that you make a comment or send me a message. I don't really care if it is positive, negative, or in-between. I just feel alone. Maybe that is selfish, but I put myself out there in these blogs and I don't even know if anyone gives a flip.

(As a side note, I bought the somehowforward.com domain for 99 cents. Can't beat that. Unfortunately I was inundated with messages offering various services. One email I got, that seemed to be handwritten, pronounced that he could offer me a design and logo for my site. I literally responded with, "this is a personal blog about my struggle with depression and suicide, what makes you think I would want a logo?" To his credit, I did receive an apology email.)

But seriously, back to the readership point, if there is anything that anyone would like to hear me write about, I would love to know. Besides my daily throes, I have a long list of things I would eventually like to discuss on here. My personal experiences include:

• crippling anxiety and self mutilation
• meds, meds, and more meds
• electroconvulsive therapy (ECT)
• hospitalizations
• and it goes on

I am a fairly open book and if I can help anyone navigate their own, personal experience, then I will gladly do what I can.

I truly do hope to hear from someone, whether it be a simple "Hi", or as far as "tell me about your experience with this..."

Can anyone tell that I am lonely. I suppose that is so obvious it's laughable. Hello and thank you to those of you that do read this.