Where To Go From Here (?)

Welcome to the Fold

I am still in a writing funk. When is sit down to compose an entry, I am somewhere between blank and thinking so fast that I cannot keep up with myself. Either way, I am left very frustrated.

Summer has begun for me. The semester finished and now I have a couple of free weeks until a trip out to California and summer school begins. Without a strong daily structure, I feel somewhat lost. I try to keep my schedule busy with household tasks and chores, exercise, etc; but they don't do enough. I am struggling with ever-encroaching depression and self-loathing. My stress/depression eating is a constant struggle and I am growing tired of all of it. I need a break, but I almost get more relief from being constantly busy. To me, this is almost a lose lose situation. Busy as hell = depression. Freedom = depression. What exactly equals relief?

Moving Forward

I found out that my therapist will be moving and that I will have to find a replacement. Initially, I didn't realize how upset this was going to make me. But a few hours after finding out I was very distraught. Megan has provided incredible support and we have developed a strong rapport over the last year. Now I have to find it all again. And that is damn hard.

Burning Desire

ECT is still on my horizon. I have met with the doctor and we went through my history, my current situation, my expectations, and what I would like to do. Right now we are waiting on two things: insurance approval and timing. We could potentially start next week, but the following week I will be out of town for a vacation, which means I should wait until returning from said trip to start treatment. That creates the small problem of waiting and hoping that I can keep my depression and unwanted thoughts at bay until the treatments start creating a positive effect.

I have decided to vlog, video blog, or whatever you prefer to call it about my ECT experience. (I will embed my intro video below.) I don't think I could have done this the first time I underwent ECT. I was not in the right state of mind; however, this time is very different, and I want to let other people see its effects and to also leave a diary for myself, in case I begin losing some of my memories.

I imagine that there will probably some repeats of blog topics if I really do forget some things. Here's to hoping for the best treatment and least side effects. I will be starting with either unilateral or bi-frontal. I am not interested in the bi-lateral/bi-temporal. The doctor stated that he often employed bi-frontal and thought that is was still very effective, which made me pleased. He also uses ketamine in conjunction with other anesthetics to produce better seizures. I laughed to my wife and joked that the term "better seizures" seems to be a bit of an oxymoron, but I know exactly what the doctor means. I cannot say I know a ton about ketamine, but it has been tested as an acute treatment to major depressive episodes. Will the amounts administered be of therapeutic benefit, for the depression directly? Who knows. The doctor did convey that some patients prefer not having the ketamine, because of the feelings and fog they wake up with. 

What Page was I On?

After much vacillation, I have decided to take summer school. This is to keep me busy and as somewhat of an experiment. Can I do treatments and school at the same time? Will I remember what I need to pass tests? The questions go on and on. I am working with my therapist, who works with the university, to contact the appropriate person, so that if the treatments interfere with my memory (to a major extent), we can figure out a way around it having a major negative impact on my transcript. More to come on that subject. 

I Wonder

I really don't talk to many other bloggers, so it really would interest me to know how much time the average person puts into one entry. There are times that I sit down, with singular vision, and rail out an entry, and at other times it takes me days of coming back to a topic to try and force my way through it. That is more like what I have been dealing with lately.

Death Becomes Him

Transitioning Into the Self

I am free. For now. School has ended and now, even though I have a personal list of items to accomplish, I am falling. I knew I needed something to get me through the summer, like a job or school, but I have neither. I dropped the ball on the job opportunity and I rejected school because of its cost. I suppose I have to deal with it.

I have a large list and many things to do. Thank god... or thank whatever. If I didn't have it, then I would truly be lost by now. Just keep busy. Just keep busy. Just keep busy, busy, busy. (Channeling Dori there.) Very soon, this Monday, I have an appointment with a local ECT specialist to determine if ECT is a viable option for my treatment (given my current circumstances), or possibly TMS. 

Am I ready for ECT, if that is the determination? Practically, no. I have to compile documentation from previous providers that have been slow to release documentation that my insurance requires. Realistically, yes. I am willing to undergo the treatment, but have already determined that I need to do regular studying of last years topics (between ECT sessions) to make sure that I don't forget the important features of my education. Losing a years-worth of schooling would be devastating. But I am truly thankful and amazed that I now live in a city that provides such treatment and that I will not have to drive 5 hours for it.

Strive and Derive

I partially do not know where I am. It is difficult to determine where to go when I do not know where I am coming from. I just don't want to deal with the question. To face the question is to be consumed by it. But then again, that is part of the problem. One cannot escape the question forever.

No god Damn Sense

I composed this entry a few weeks back and just sat on it. I think it is time for it to be let out.

Senses Fail

I opened this blog last night and just couldn't write. Part of it was that the sleeping pills were kicking in, but the larger part was the personal anguish I had, burning through my mind. It's difficult to compose when your thoughts bring tears. Last night wasn't a personal episode; rather, it was a reminder of what happens when someone leaves this earth. 

(Took a few day break before continuing.)

Continued

I have opened this entry multiple times and failed to continue it. A family friend died a few days ago, and I am sad, angry, and befuddled at the same time. He was like a brother to my wife, for years when she was a single mother. He helped and babysat, the kids treated him like an uncle, and he was always happy. There was no stranger to Joe, and I don't think I ever saw anything but a smile on his face. His heart was truly devoted to his wife, daughter, and god. This is similar for me to a close friend who lost her mother a few months back. She was just as wonderful of a person and taken in an unfair instant. There are so many horrible people on this planet. Why aren't they taken? Why would two, such wonderful people, be taken from this world? There is no reason in it. 

I have talked to people that convey how god will use this for good, that it is a trial, and that it will make them stronger and better in the end. Fuck you. I'm not angry at god. I'm angry at people. How are there people that are self-diluted enough to believe in something that is so wretchedly evil as that? Grandchildren growing up without their grandma makes them stronger? Fantastic. A daughter and mother struggling to pay for medical bills and living without their loving father and husband. Stupid. 

Tangential Asymptotic Anger

I find so much hypocrisy in those that choose religion. And yes, I am specifically singling out Christians in this rant. I am going to go off on a loooong tangent, but by in large, Christians are against abortion. Ok, fine. There is one solution to that. Adopt. If you truly want that child to live with a parent that doesn't want it, you are sick. So they should adopt an unwanted baby to stand behind their beliefs. But only a small fraction of the Christians I know have done such. They hide behind their beliefs.

Don't get me wrong. There are some fantastic Christians that I know, people that I would truly put the label "godly" on. Great people. But for the most part, Christians are simply bigots that hide behind rigid and antiquated beliefs. 

I can't speak to other religions, because this is what I was brought up with and know. I hope that the Christian religion is alone in being so cruel, but I imagine this is not the case. If god is such a wonderful entity, how could he have such disgusting people representing him. Anyone that owned a business with employees this despicable would fire them in an instant. It was this fact, among others that cast my decision to leave the faith years ago. 

I belong in hell. I can tell you that right now. I don't consider myself a good person and I hate my mind. If I die and wake up in heaven, then there is no justice in the universe. Have I killed millions or wronged many? No. But that doesn't make me good. My mind has polluted my being and all that I deserve is an eternity of hell. But in the end, we're all just going to be pushing up daisies as detritus. Face it.

Karen and Randi, there is no sense in this. There is only the slow numbing of acceptance and the need to move forward. I am truly sorry for this bullshit that life has thrust upon you.

Where Is My Mind?

I Don't Know

Maybe I should just stop at that. This week has been a triangle or stress, relaxation, and depression; and I just don't know which corner I am falling into next. It hasn't been a bad week, but it could have been more productive. There are things I am unhappy about. I am stressed over finals, which start tomorrow for me, but I am thrilled at the prospect of school being done in a few days and getting things finished. I have a fairly large list of things to do this summer, both fun and work and would like to get down to them. I have to keep busy. Busy is good.

But still, after being busy for days this week, the tentacles of depression were weaving their way into my mind. The inevitable outcome of my improper chemistry. Damn thing. 

Summertime

I would really like to take off and do some extended hiking this summer. This raises a few problems. I have yet to meet with my new doctor and see his recommendations for ECT, see if my insurance approves it, and find out what the schedule might be. What I really need is some good time alone....but that historically can turn out baaaaad. So I will need someone to hike with, at least some of the way. 

I guess that is it for now. I cannot seem to keep my mind in an entry these days. After I sit down to write, I get distracted and lose focus. 

Time. And Time. Again.

It's Odd

To be writing. I don't know why. The weekend went fine, I suppose. I went on a wonderful hike that ended with me limping. But as I said before... the most enjoyable way to die. Actually, I am battling plantar fasciitis in my left foot, and it was winning. I did not do well with my eating habits. Now that the family is back and the week is underway, I am busy as hell. I really haven't had much of a chance to be depressed. Being busy is my primary and best medicine, so I hope that it sticks for the next week at least.

Such a weird thing. I was so excited to be alone. And in some sense I was happy. But I did miss them. Then they were coming back, and a flood of emotions washed over me. Some good, some bad. Difficult to explain. But the twinge of depression and stress was definitely involved. And as anyone with kids can attest to, sometimes having them back after being away can be incredibly stressful. It was. Even after such a short time. (Hell, the little boogers are just plain stressful. Period.)

Fractured

I'm not entirely sure why I am writing tonight. My thoughts are unstructured and just busy. Maybe too much coffee and chemistry. Who knows? Let's just see how this week goes.