A Matter of Fact... Perhaps

I thought that perhaps I should introduce some better structure to this, instead of it being a haphazard smattering of thoughts. In browsing and reading other personal blogs, I feel like mine is somewhat unpolished. This brings two thoughts to mind. First of all, is that what I really want and should I do it? And secondly, are those types of blogs as welcoming and realistic as I hope to be? And damn, some of those blogs are a mile long. I don't always want to read (or write) a novel. We shall see how it goes. 

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

When does your trouble start? Without fail, evening if I am feeling very stable, if I start to address personal problems and think about the future, then things begin to roll downhill. These personal issues include what the future holds, what can I do to change or improve myself, will I ever be free of this depressive cycle, and many other tough thoughts. This usually dissuades me from attempting to work through problems, even though I know they have to be done. Everyone is different, but I plan on doing some of this in the upcoming week, when I have Spring break. My tools to make it as successful as possible are:

• Free time, and lots of it, but only some of it alone. I need free time to talk with my wife and other free time to distract myself with minor tasks that help my brain "defragment" so to speak.
• Space. By space, I mean more time. Time to heal and work myself out of any depression or oppressive thoughts that make their way in.
• Gentleness towards myself. I often beat myself up for my dips, which only goes to make them worse. Trying to be kind to myself really helps.
• Stick to the topics. The rabbit hole of issues and wild thoughts is no friend to anyone with mental illness. Don't follow that white rabbit.
• Utilize support. I must make sure that my wife is around for support and as an important buffer between me and myself.
• If I could I would try to reduce my responsibilities, but with kids, home, and school this really isn't that possible. It's my pipe-dream tool. 

Take Some Ground

All of this is fairly general. What am I actually going to address?.... Where am I going and what am I going to do with the rest of my life? You know, just your run-of-the-mill, everyday kind of question. There is nothing big an ominous about that. I spent years languishing in depression and trying to decide what to do, until I finally got back into the game. My goal right now is medical school, so that I can help people. There is one big problem with this. I have a tug-o-war of love and hate with people and humanity in my heart. On one hand I feel that people are compassionate and beautiful beings worthy of love and help, while another part of me views humanity as a course instrument of destruction to themselves and the planet. It really doesn't help that I do not like myself. I'd really go so far as to say that I hate myself, so part of this will need to be a personal healing. Finding love and acceptance for myself could reeeeeally help. But anytime the path to the future comes up, my mind has a hard time keeping from that rabbit hole.

To be continued . . .

Where'd the World Go?

The past three months have not been bad, but it's also had a fair share of dips. Said dips were rather ridiculously strong when they came one, to the degree that I am uncomfortable sharing them. But hey, I made it through. I just haven't had the drive to write. And if I lack a proper cathartic release from penning these entries, then perhaps it just shouldn't be done. But here I am again, feeling the need.

Realistically, I have been doing well because I have been so busy and distracted with school. It is my full-time job. And it continues to kick my ass. Academic success came so much easier 15 years ago when I was younger and fresher. Sometimes my brain feels like sludge, as I struggle to understand and put to memory, while the youth around me comments on how easy things have been. Frustrating! But it's the bed I have made. When I was younger, I could breeze through classes with little or no studying. Now I am finding myself committing more and more time to it and and still struggling. The struggle part sucks, but the beneficial work/study ethic I am bringing back (from my professional days) is something that is going to be useful, so it is a net gain.

I'm still working toward getting a job for summertime. I cannot imagine being home all summer. That would shatter my streak and call up a major relapse. I have no doubt. So, hopefully I get the job and/or take a summer class.

I had a recent adjustment in medications. Both the doctor and I are hesitant to make large changes, especially because I am fairly stable right now, but my Lamictal is a very high dose and he suspects that it is causing my hands to shake. The shaky hands are ridiculous, embarrassing, and a hindrance at times. It is a long-term goal of mine to get rid of the shakes. He also upped one of my other medications that helps my concentration. Honestly, I think that med also adds to my shaking hands, but he does not.

I got a lithium level for the first time in a year or two, and even though I am on a very high dosing my level is at 0.5 (0.6-1.2 is the therapeutic range). Oddly enough if I take more than that, which I have at times, I get up into the therapeutic range and become toxic enough that I vomit. So much fun. But I know how much the lithium truly helps. Of course I know for sure it's related to my shaking hands, but I have also proven to myself that taking a daily teaspoon of safflower oil helps with that. I cannot explain why that works, but it truly does.

Well, the day is calling. And off I go.

I Can't Enjoy the Silence

The simple act of being alone with myself in the silence, without any music or other noise is maddening to me. I don't know why. This slowly came on over the years. I love my wireless headphones. They provide constant entertainment, but when I have to be alone in the quiet, my mind starts to melt down. It sounds incredibly ridiculous that such a simple thing would cause issues, but it's true.

I don't know if it is an addiction, or the fact that I have a unquiet and wandering mind. When there is a show or music playing, my mind is distracted, but when it isn't it starts to question my life and motives, almost out of nowhere. Unfortunately, listening to anything while I am working on particular school tasks just isn't functional. You would think that busying my mind with detailed tasks would quiet it, but that isn't always the case.

A few weeks ago I tried to do biofeedback, and about 5 minutes into it I just couldn't take it anymore. Trying to focus on peace is like driving spikes under my nails. It makes me incredibly anxious. I will continue to search out a solution to this with my therapist. I wonder what it will take.

Will Work for Respect

My therapist challenged me to look back on times when I found self-worth and self-respect, to figure out what exactly made me feel that way. This mostly involves looking back to when I was in a professional career, and perhaps even further to my early years in college. I haven't made lists before, but I think this will work better than the long form. Let's give it a go.

• Positive Aspects
• I worked my ass off (physically & mentally) and wore myself out in a beneficial way.
• I was good at what I did, often without even trying very hard.
• At other times I worked my ass off and was even better at things.
• I tried and worked hard.
• I succeeded, no matter what.
• I was rewarded for my hard work and given favorable treatment.
• I had some small power to make change and get rid of people that brought the department down. 
• I could do things with less second guessing myself and without looking back, and be correct.
• Potentially Negative Aspects
• I was able to be mean and ruthless towards people I thought were worthless.
• At school I was able to chuckle at slackers and watch them fail.
• I even succeeded at times that I thought I didn't deserve it.

This can be a bit to digest, so I am going to pluck out my main themes.

• Distilled Aspects
• working hard and gave effort
• success, power, and confidence
• things were easy and I won
• liked/respected by others

Let's go from there.

Blocked by Gain

I haven't written for a while. It isn't that I've ignored writing or have been avoiding it, but I have been unable to pen anything worthy. This last month has actually been a fairly good one, mentally; and I have an easier time composing when I have issues to vent. Finals were seriously stressful, as to be expected, but I had a pleasant vacation with my wife and then another to California with my daughter. The next semester starts next week and I fully expect the stress to start taking hold again.

Overall this season has been spectacular. Historically I crash during the holiday season, in the dark days of winter. Sooooo, what happened this year? It is probably a combination of a positive bump up in meds and riding off the flow of personal accomplishment in school. This semester I will continue to try and increase my productivity and habits. Ironically, for the first time in, well, months or more I have actually felt bored. My time hasn't been wasted, but in-between tasks I am extremely blase.

In the last month I sat down to write about a single question, again and again. It was a question posed to me by my therapist about why exactly I found so much personal love and acceptance when I was a working professional. I should probably address this, because I have an appointment coming up next week. And that is where I will end this entry, on a cliffhanger for that follow up.